Tell Me Who Your Friends Are…

Let us imagine that God has granted us the possibility of creating. Not just any being, but a human being; not just any human being, but a friend; not only a friend, but the ideal friend. We immediately begin to bring together all kinds of qualities in this person: a gentle manner, patience, intelligence, willpower, the most diverse virtues. We idealize someone who is agreeable, harbours feelings similar to ours and shares in our tastes.

When we are about to create this masterpiece, we hear God telling us that, among all those qualities, our friend can only have one of them. Perplexed, we begin the reverse process, a painful stripping away of desirable attributes. In the end, what will we choose: patience or willpower, intelligence or affable manner?

The French would call this situation embarras du choix, something like “torn between choices.”

The solution, however, becomes very simple if we take into account that a friend is like a travel companion. Even if there were a person capable of embodying all the characteristics of an ideal friend to the point of being almost an angel, we would never choose him to accompany us on a trip if he did not possess one specific quality: having the same destination as us.

Well, on the most momentous journey, that of life towards eternity, it is essential to consider with special seriousness the choice of who will be our travel companions. Otherwise, it may happen that dangerous friendships, with paths different from our own, lead us to other destinations…

Bad friendships or veiled enmities?

To someone who said “I have no enemies,” we would respond with an ancient thinker: “By chance do you have any friends?”¹ Sometimes, our worst enemies are not as far away as we imagine, so it is also important to ask God to protect us not only from enemies, but also from bad friends.

Bad friends: perhaps it would be difficult to find a more mismatched and incoherent combination of words. Can a friend be bad? Is friendship a profession that can be performed well or poorly? Obviously not. Rather, it forms part of that spectrum of realities so profound that, once defined, take on a different character: virtues.²

Indeed, one does not call injustice “bad justice”, or intemperance “bad temperance”. The implacable “in” with which we prefix these words does not signify distortion, but rather negation: in-justice is the absence of justice, just as in-temperance is the absence of temperance. So why do we consider as bad friendship something that, at its core, is enmity? Let us remember this: a bad friend always reveals himself to be an enemy of our soul. If we follow him on his path, we may arrive anywhere but the Kingdom of Heaven: through his folly, we will perish with him (cf. Sir 8:15).

Now, how to spot false friends? They are like wolves in sheep’s clothing (cf. Mt 7:15)… Many of them camouflage themselves prodigiously well, it is true, but let us look at some symptoms of false friendship: it is the wolf’s claws and teeth that pierce through the disguise.

Anaesthetist of conscience

Some consider friendship as the capacity to be an accomplice. According to them, a true friend is one who turns a blind eye to the faults of others. In the case of a sensitive or hurt conscience, we need only to look for him: he has all the “anaesthetics”. His kindness and esteem towards are so extreme that he does not dare to cause us the slightest displeasure. In this logic, his attitude can be compared to that of a physician who lets his patient die instead of subjecting him to the bitterness of the medicines that could cure him…

But the reality is different: friendship exists to be a companion to virtues, not vices.³ A true friend is one who consoles during trials, gives support in spiritual aridity, assists in virtue, and corrects our deviations in a fraternal way. Good advice, wisely given and received with gratitude, even when it has the medicinal taste of reprimand, unites two souls with bonds stronger and more resilient than a diamond.

Vulture of others’ triumphs

The bad friend, or rather, the disguised enemy, does not need a job: his livelihood is flattery, his salary is his own friend.

However, let us not confuse flattery or adulation with praise and the desire to please. As a matter of justice, good deeds should be praised, and it is not a sin to seek to please those who live with us. However, this cannot be done with the intention of making a profit.⁴

The flatterer is very well illustrated in one of Jean de La Fontaine’s famous fables. A crow was perched on a tree, with a piece of cheese in its beak, when a fox approached and said to it: “Good morning, illustrious master crow. How beautiful you are! What feathers, what splendour!”⁵ And, continuing to praise it, the fox asked it to sing in order to hear its “wonderful” voice. The crow, thinking its cawing was a harmonious melody, opened its beak and sang, while watching the cheese fall and be snatched by the fox… The author places the moral of the story on the lips of the most cunning of animals: “My good sir, learn that the flatterer lives at the expense of those who pay him heed. This lesson was certainly worth a piece of cheese.”⁶

Let us be careful, however, not only with flatterers, but also with that kind of friend who is overly eager for our triumphs, always present in happy moments, for the companions that are unfailing in times of joy are rarely so in sorrow. In this sense, God’s wisdom rightly advises us:

“When you gain a friend, gain him through testing, and do not trust him hastily. For there is a friend who is such at his own convenience, but will not stand by you in your day of trouble. And there is a friend who changes into an enemy, and will disclose a quarrel to your disgrace. And there is a friend who is a table companion, but will not stand by you in your day of trouble” (Sir 6:7-10).

Allergic to failure: the traitor

Now let us look at the other side of the coin. It is said that “a sure friend is known in unsure times.”⁷ But we could also say – and with even greater reason – that the false friend is known in unsure times: his absence condemns him.

In this perspective, Dr. Plinio Corrêa de Oliveira⁸ narrated a very eloquent event. Once, while in a restaurant, he observed a sad and meditative young man, talking to the owner of the place: “When I had both my legs,” he lamented, “I lived surrounded by friends and was very well-liked. Since I lost a leg, my friends have abandoned me.”

What an unhappy man, one might say, for he has lost his friends! But let us analyse this: what kind of friends were they? A true friend does not look for two legs, but for a soul that he can help to reach Heaven. Happy was this young man: losing his leg, he freed himself from the enemies of his salvation. Furthermore, suffering and even isolation made him a mature person, capable of questioning the reason for the events of his life. What a gift: Providence did not give him friends, but delivered him from his enemies.

This episode nonetheless demonstrates how bad friends abandon us when we need them most. And their path does not end there, because unfortunately the bad friend is a potential traitor: “Even my bosom friend in whom I trusted, who ate of my bread, has lifted his heel against me” (Ps 41:9). It is enough to recall the sad story of Judas, the bad friend par excellence, who had the impudence to betray Jesus Christ with a cynical gesture of friendship, a dirty and infamous kiss (cf. Mt 26:48-49).

The remedy: salutary, efficient, unique

Accomplice, flatterer, eager for triumphs, allergic to setbacks, and traitor: these are some traits that make up the moral physiognomy of a bad friend. However, none of this constitutes the essence of harmful company; these are merely symptoms. A friendship is harmful when it leads us astray from the path to Heaven. In other words, whoever leads us to sin or separates us from virtue is a bad friend – or rather, an enemy of our soul.

Now, how can we avoid being influenced by bad friendships? There is only one remedy: to distance ourselves from them.

Common sense and experience advise it: one rotten fruit spoils the whole bunch. And Scripture reiterates: “A little leaven leavens the whole lump” (1 Cor 5:6); “Whoever touches pitch will be defiled, and whoever associates with a proud man will become like him” (Sir 13:1). Even solitude is better company than a bad friend, as the saying goes: “Better alone than in bad company.”

We can all attest that contact with people who lead us to sin is one of the most dangerous obstacles to salvation. Aware of this, St. Paul already exhorted the first Christians: “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals’” (1 Cor 15:33).

If we are vigilant about our friendships, by Our Lady’s favour we will certainly move forward towards beatific and eternal friendship, for, in a certain sense, a man’s life can be defined by the quality of friends he has had. It would not be surprising to hear from God in the particular judgement: “Tell me who your friends were, and I will tell you where you will go.” 

Notes:

¹ Cf. PLUTARCH. How to Profit by One’s Enemies, 86C.

² Cf. ST. THOMAS AQUINAS. Summa Theologiæ. II-II, q.114, a.1.

³ Cf. CICERO, Marcus Tullius. Lælius de amicitia, c.XXII, n.83.

⁴ Cf. ST. THOMAS AQUINAS, op. cit., q.115, a.1.

⁵ LA FONTAINE, Jean de. Fábulas. São Paulo: Melhoramentos, 1962, p.50.

⁶ Ibid, p.50-51.

⁷ “Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur” (CICERO, op. cit., c.XVII, n.64).

⁸ Cf. CORRÊA DE OLIVEIRA, Plinio. Conference. São Paulo, 12/10/1972.